Among many Crosby, Stills and Nash favorites is "Teach Your Children." The first verse tells us, the parents, that we "must have a code that we can live by." The second, compelling verse addresses our kids:
"You, of tender years / Can't know the fears your elders grew by / (and so please) Help them with your youth / They seek the truth before they can die."
At 73, my own children have fully launched and are raising their own families. They are developing their code to live by, and I am seeking the truth. Ah, the circle of life.
All our kids and theirs were together last week. Our daughter, Caitlin, married Mike, her "boy next door" friend since 8th grade. Second marriages for both, the two decided on a small (but loud) gathering. The wedding party consisted of Mike and Caitlin's nine nephews and nieces. Mike's 17-year-old son was best man, and their 1-year-old daughter, Isla, was pulled up the aisle in a wagon by their 7-year-old niece, Stella.
As is my practice, I observed interactions, asked questions, and enjoyed getting to know my family better. Here are a few of the "truths" my "youths" helped me with last weekend.
Timmy, the officiant of the wedding: "Love is not a perfect thing. Love, marriage and life are filled with flaws and challenges, fraught with heartbreak and miscommunication. But marriage, life and love are a discovery, for the curious, willing participant. It's a journey of self-discovery together, if we allow it to be."
Kevin, our musician, sang "Glad You Came" by Dalton Day with Jessica, his girlfriend: "I've got holes in my shoes, I got dirt on my hands, but I'll take care of you better than any other man. I'll hold you, until we all go. You are my sweet, oh, you saved my soul."
Mike to Caitlin, Caitlin to Mike (the vows): "I do not promise perfection, I promise effort. I promise to keep learning you, even when I think I already know you."
Jessica's son, 13-year-old Neeson, wrote this in a school essay the day he returned from the wedding: "I'm so comfortable when I belong. I felt this way at my mom's boyfriend's (Kevin) family wedding in Chicago. Belonging is more important than fitting in because it keeps you calm and happy."
Neeson walked into that celebration a nervous adolescent in a crowd of people he'd never met. That he left feeling like he belonged may be the most powerful thing anyone said all weekend.
On reflection, I will always remember this celebration as the Holy Sacrament of Imperfection. Through the vows, songs, and reflections, we were honoring two people whose lives have been a long, crooked journey. In re-finding each other at the height of the Covid lockdown, they realized they were each sadder but wiser human beings.
We all want our kids' lives to be happy, often in the manner we judge as "happy." Over the years, my children and theirs continue to help me "seek the truth": Our journey is ours alone, and our happiness can only be produced by trial and error, then trial again.
Peace,
Tim McCarthy
Quote of the Month: Jennifer Schramm
“After failed attempts to control them [horses] led to frustration and anxiety, Jennifer realized the horses were mirroring her feelings. She did not need to change the horse’s behavior. She needed to change her own to coherence – to be present, aligning body, mind, and intention. “Presence is invitation enough. When we release the need to control outcomes, trust becomes possible.” The horses taught me, “Real leadership is not about control; it is about connection. It is about creating a field where others feel safe enough to be themselves,” whether horse or human.”
---Jennifer Schramm
Song of the Month: "Glad You Came" by Dalton Day
Favorite Lyrics:
“I've got holes in my shoes, I got dirt on my hands, but I'll take care of you better than any other man. I'll hold you, until we all go. You are my sweet, oh, you saved my soul."
Book of The Month: "The Cost of Discipleship" by Dietrich Bonhoeffer
Editor’s note:
The Christian theology of this book is important to me but for those of any faith, its deeper message is: “Faith and action are inseparable, especially when faced with injustice”. I’ve long resisted making this blog political. We all get too many opinions from others who seek our attention. Avoiding political advocacy, I remain vigilant in the face of injustice, primarily for the working poor and for working, law-abiding immigrant families. Reading this book carefully is disturbing, since
Bonhoeffer’s faith in action, by resisting in Nazi Germany, led to his death in 1945. What little we can do comparatively is to act with empathy these days that intimidation seems to be a rising national sentiment.
Favorite excerpts:
"Silence in the face of evil is itself evil: God will not hold us guiltless. Not to speak is to speak. Not to act is to act."
Truly Funny:
Heard on a sports talk show recently when the host was asked why he doesn’t talk about soccer more often. “Look, if I wanted to watch a bunch of guys run around for a couple hours without scoring, I would just invite a bunch of my buddies to a singles bar and watch them”.
