Newsletter - "My Problem with Solving Problems" by Tim McCarthy

The problem I have with solving problems is I often forget to first ask:

1. Who caused the problem? 
2. Who should solve it?

Unless I’m working on my own problems, the answers of course are “not me” and “not me”.

Sounds simple enough but it is very difficult to remember since I spend my days in service helping others and organizations face problems.

Given my tendency to take on problems as my own (co-dependence) I’ve had to learn to ask myself: “Am I helping that person/organization identify root causes of their problems and helping them consider solutions through disciplines I’ve used?” Or am I “trying to solve their problem?”

We must find the line where teaching ends and learning begins and stop there. I can teach someone by sharing my own experience and discipline but I cannot learn for them. At times, I forget that because I want so badly for my friend’s/partner’s problems to be solved.

Pause for my sister, Sheila’s favorite joke:

Q. “What is a near-death experience for a co-dependent?”
A. “Someone else’s life passes before their eyes”

After having the hell beat out of me plenty for “solving others’ problems,” I’m becoming better at helping our partners and their constituents help themselves. And it’s more than just remembering their problem does not belong to me or the foundation. It’s tricky but here are some things I have to keep in mind that may also be helpful reminders for you.

• I rest in the knowledge that few of the problems I hear about today will be solved because they are chronic (or it wouldn’t have gotten to me). 
• I also calm myself by remembering that just my presence to the person facing the problem is enough. The number one need of a person in crisis is NOT a solution, it’s an active listener. 
• I try to remember that all I can bring is an outside point of view. Often, someone sharing a problem feels stupid and I like to remind them that when facing our own issues “it’s not that we can’t see the forest for the trees; we can’t even see the tree because our nose is pressed right up against the bark.” We are just too close to the issue to gain perspective. So, perspective is all that I can promise. 
• Making a problem go away is not the same as solving a problem. The foundation has money so it is often tempting to provide short term solutions by pretending to fix an immediate problem. Instead I have to be smart enough to ask questions that lead them to identify a better answer. And always, those questions need to be answered in a disciplined process.

Otherwise, we together may make the problem disappear for a while which will only create longer term problems for them and for our foundation.

I help others solve their problems only by listening actively, sharing my experience and outside point of view. Never by hoping I can solve their problem.

Peace,

Tim